The "ah-ha" moment!

I have spent some quality time with a dear friend of mine today - comforting her and encouraging her - trying to console her. She had her "ah-ha" moment last evening.
That moment is when a mother realizes that her grown children have REALLY moved on and started their own life - totally separate from her. This moment is when a mother must let go - I mean totally let-go of a child - and all control and her position as head nuturer, and let go of all hope that she will ever get to "mommy" that child again.
It is a devastating - heart wrenching experience. Even though it is the natural normal progression of life - it is none the less, one of the most difficult things a mother must do and go through. But - we all have to do it - we all have to let our children fly away.
Nothing can prepare you for your "ah-ha" moment. Even though little-by-little, over the years, you have let parts of your role go as you watched them become more and more independant.
I remember my "ah-ha" moment like it was yesterday. It happened in the parking lot of Cracker Barrel in Springdale. I know - crazy place for it - but that is when "it" became completely real.
It had been a crazy, busy, fun emotional week-end. Ryan and Laura were married that Saturday. It was a beautiful wedding and reception. I was surrounded by family and friends. I was so happy. My first born son had married the girl of his dreams - heck - she was the girl of my dreams! I loved Laura - still do - I knew that she was the perfect partner for Ryan and that they were going to have a wonderful life together.
The day after - I had put my youngest son, Aaron, on an airplane again. Aaron joined the Marine Corps right out of high school and was in his 3rd year of active duty. I was accustomed to saying good-bye to him - but I knew this time when he left - that he would soon be deployed to Iraq to possibly fight for our country. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't change it. It was his life and he loved being a Marine.
The following day - a Monday - all of our out-of-town family gathered at Cracker Barrel to have breakfast and say good-bye as all prepared to go back to their homes. Sean Michael - my little boy tucked in the middle between Ryan and Aaron, was leaving with my brother and sister-in-law to move to Arizona to finish college. I could barely eat my breakfast - my heart felt like it was broken in 3 equal pieces. It was true - no mistaking it - each of my 3 sons, my little boys, were grown and had launched their very own life without me.
As we all stood in the parking lot after breakfast - I fell apart. I couldn't help it - the tears came and I couldn't stop them. Sean was trying to console me - that big boy was doing cartwheels and trying to make me laugh. Finally he just grabbed me and hugged me and let me cry in his arms for awhile.
Everyone loaded up in their cars and drove away. Sean hung out of the window and waved and yelled "I love you Mama."
I just stood there in the middle of the parking lot - unconsolable - having my "ah-ha" moment. It had finally hit me - really hit me - my boys were grown and they weren't coming back to their mommy again. Oh - I knew that I would always be their Mother - and they would always love me - but I also knew that it would never be the same again - they didn't need me to be their MOMMY anymore.
That day for me was over 6 years ago and I survived!
God has a way of showing us (ok - pushing us) to get on with our life and causes us to understand that being a Mommy was just part of who we are as women and that He has other wonderful and fulfilling roles for us to take on. And - forever in my mind and heart, I have my memories of being a mommy. I can still feel them and savor them whenever I want to.
So my friend, although no one can console you right now - you will just have to trust me when I say, "this too, shall pass." It will pass just like poopy diapers, the terrible two's, dirty blue jeans, the smart mouth and the teenage years. You will make it through this and come out stronger and better and much wiser, on the other side. Your heart will mend and God will fill it with other unimaginable joys. I pray that God will bless you with grandchildren. I have already discovered that grandparents NEVER have to let go of their grandbabies. You get to keep the same AWESOME role for as long as you live!
Until then - be strong and enjoy your memories.
Because even now, when I see my grown-up sons, sometimes if I want to, I can close my eyes and choose to see a little boy running toward me with open arms, jumping up into mine and exclaiming, "I LOVE YOU MOMMY!" It's my right - I earned it! And so did you!